Category Archives: healing

14–“Scene: The Future” by Margaret Dubay Mikus

Some background:
In 2007 I was diagnosed with my third breast cancer tumor following a routine mammogram. Further testing showed I carry a BRCA 2 mutation, one of the genes which can lead to an increased risk of cancer. (My molecular genetics science-self found this to be a very interesting gene–as long as I didn’t think of it as affecting me.) I was stunned. This was 11 years after my previous cancer diagnosis and I thought I was done with all that.

It was summer. I sat on my garden swing in the back of the yard, to let the fear subside. I listened to my inner guidance and let the answer come to me…what to do? After gathering information and consulting with many people: doctors, family, dear friends, I decided to have the bilateral (double) mastectomy. Since I had so much radiation with the previous treatment, the tissue was very scarred and I did not to do reconstruction, a very personal choice. This is the kind of decision that jars you not just at the time, but later, when grief for what is lost can surface unexpectedly.

Writing continued to be essential to me during that time. Although not many of those poems have been published, my chapbook, New Year’s Eve Surgery, has a few poems I collected to give to my medical team. I needed them to know something about me—after all, they would be doing a very personal surgery and had not even met me beforehand. My sister had the idea for the entire medical team to sign my copy of the chapbook and they wrote me amazing healing notes of support. My poems changed the conversations from very medical and impersonal to very human and healing.

What insights came to you through medical experiences?

In Poem 14, “Scene: The Future,” from Thrown Again into the Frazzle Machine, I am thinking ahead to a future when cancer treatment may have changed a lot. Listen here: https://youtu.be/05q2-bgEpQo

Listen to more video poems from “Frazzle”

THROWN AGAIN into the FRAZZLE MACHINE: Poems of Grace, Hope, and Healing

“Put Down the Sword of Self-Wounding” from “Frazzle”

This poem was inspired by a conversation in a parking lot with my friend, Geary Davis, who said one sentence that really soaked into me. I am grateful still.

Poem #12, “Put Down the Sword of Self-Wounding,” from my book, Thrown Again into the Frazzle Machine: Poems of Grace, Hope, and Healing, is about a healing a particular relationship, the one with myself. Listen: https://youtu.be/wlekuqQpQ9k

5/28/09

Put Down the Sword of Self-Wounding

After talking to Geary about a ritual to ease pain

Put down the sword
of self-destruction
and self-immolation,

of self-defeat, self-demolition,
and self-defacing. Stop
stabbing myself in the vulnerable gut

in remorse, guilt, grief and regret
at what I could not
control or plan or shape.

Melt that sword
into the ploughshare
that carves the furrows

into which I place
the seeds I have been holding back.
Let forgiveness

flood the field,
let love shine upon them,
let the earth be fertile and loam-rich

and bountiful harvest my just reward.
After all the lifetimes
of all the dark and light alike

let my new life
result from a conscious new choice:
to put down the sword.

No more self-blame
self-criticism or self-judging,
no more crimson shame,

no more self-harsh words,
no more self-unkindness,
no more self-disrespect,

or screaming at myself
at perceived imperfections
or unbearable failings.

Only forgiveness
to the bone of things
to the bottom and top of memory,

forgiveness heaped
on forgiveness, eaten
at a great feast of forgiveness.

And when sated,
love as dessert and
as the main course ever after.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 2009

Does this feel at all familiar to you?

Listen to more video poems from “Frazzle”

“New Hole” from “Frazzle”

I am stubborn, persistent, and determined and that can work for me or against me. My choice. In the case of medical issues, sometimes I don’t see the choice. I feel like I’m stuck and have to keep on, and yet… there’s always some kind of help I’m not seeing. My attitude about the whole thing is something I can choose. I know that deep insights and clarity (and poems) often come to me through health problems, from multiple sclerosis to cancer, hernias to kidney stones, heart failure to extreme allergic reaction to poison ivy, depression to panic attacks, I’ve learned I can heal from most anything. We are all fabulous healers, though the form of that healing may not be what we expected. Think back to every scrape and bruise since babyhood. All gone, the body-mind-spirit is wondrous! I forget, and then I am reminded. I’ve also developed skills to support this healing (or at least get out of my own way). A daily energy balancing practice is one of them, reducing stress and remembering to breathe deeply. I consciously clear away emotional debris from each day, in kindness to myself—on the good days. How about you?

So here is Poem 7 from Thrown Again into the Frazzle Machine:   https://youtu.be/L5fGv8RKrY0

Listen to more video poems from “Frazzle”

“For B.R…Again” from “Frazzle”

For as long as I can remember my relationship to rest has been tricky. I’ve struggled to balance action and resting, staying up later and later, sleeping in to compensate or taking naps if I can, pushing my limits. (I am by nature a night person.) Where I live, this time of year the sun sets before 4:30 pm. I may see only a few hours of daylight. I do try to get out for a walk to the pond up the road, which helps. It is not just the hours of sleep, but also the ability to take time for myself, take care of myself. To be kind and set aside the daily burdens and float awhile. Yes, that sounds good. How about you? Do you build quiet time into each day? A good book to disappear into? Meditation or listening to music perhaps?

From Thrown Again into the Frazzle Machine: Poems of Grace, Hope, and Healing, here is your poem (6) for today: https://youtu.be/819n0H8jAtY

Listen to more video poems from “Frazzle”

THROWN AGAIN into the FRAZZLE MACHINE: Poems of Grace, Hope, and Healing

THROWN AGAIN into the FRAZZLE MACHINE: Poems of Grace, Hope, and Healing

“Floating on Sitar Notes and Drum Beats” from “Frazzle”

I usually carry a small notebook and a pen. (I write my poems in longhand and then put into them the computer.) I try not to write when I’m out with other people. It seems rude to ignore them and pay attention to my inner voices, however compelling. Sometimes the call to write is so strong I give in to it (with apologies). This poem was one of those times.

Stephen and I were out for Valentine’s Day dinner at an Indian restaurant we had often gone to. This time, unexpectedly, there was live music and a special menu. The sitar and drums and the ambiance, both familiar and altered, insisted I catch that…something…

And so I wrote during dinner putting down a line or two as we ate, still paying attention to my husband. As I observed the scene with great awareness, the smells of curry and other herbs, the vivid colors, listening intently to the music as it swirled around me, letting it shape the lines. All of it woven into what was happening in my life, my healing practice.

Consider closing your eyes and allow the scene to play out in your imagination as you listen. What does this evoke in you? Do you have any music that sweeps you away to somewhere else?

Here is your poem for today, from Thrown Again into the Frazzle Machine: Poems of Grace, Hope, and Healing:  https://youtu.be/po8SkL_N3Q8

Listen to more poems from “Frazzle”

THROWN AGAIN into the FRAZZLE MACHINE: Poems of Grace, Hope, and Healing

THROWN AGAIN into the FRAZZLE MACHINE: Poems of Grace, Hope, and Healing