Category Archives: relationships

“One Day When I Am Gone” from “Frazzle”

What do I want to say here today, if anything? Sometimes silence is best. Give a little space to breathe, to reflect.

So right now, as you read this, pause for a moment and take a deep breath. If you’re feeling stressed that breath probably stayed in the chest. If you can, give it another go, this time allow the belly to rise with the deep breath in, perhaps like you are filling all the interior space all the way down to the tips of your toes. And then slowly let it out. Perhaps breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth (very grounding). Letting out some of the tightness with the warm out-breath. Repeat if you wish. Let your shoulders drop, allow the tension you are carrying to gently fall off, just for now. Continue breathing…in…out…in…out…  How do you feel now?

For a while, whenever I checked in with my body I felt like I wasn’t breathing. Since I was conscious I must have been breathing, but the energy was not filling me up. And over time this takes its toll. One healthy goal is to retrain myself to breathe like this, from the belly like babies do naturally.

Here is Poem 8 from Thrown Again into the Frazzle Machine: Poems of Grace, Hope,and Healing:  https://youtu.be/5t0zK4MglS8

Listen to more video poems from “Frazzle”

Poems for Jenny Cooper

Chicago Botanic Garden Copyright 2016 MDMikus

Chicago Botanic Garden, Copyright 2016 MDMikus

A few years ago, I connected on Facebook with Jenny Cooper, another member of Eric Whitacre’s Virtual Choir. She had a breast cancer diagnosis and I sent her my book, As Easy as Breathing: Reclaiming Power for Healing and Transformation, to help if it could. (I wrote the book during my own cancer journey.) She was in her thirties with a loving husband, Chris, and two young sons. She became a vigorous online presence, healthcare advocate and educator, putting up vivid, honest videos of her ongoing journey. Jenny chose to life fully in every way. Despite aggressive treatment, her cancer returned and continued  to grow.

She went on hospice this summer and is now dying. I wrote these poems in the last few months in support and condolence, to help me as much as anyone. (My youngest sister was also dealing with stage 4 cancer, but is holding on at this point.) I stayed connected with both Jenny and her husband as she declined. I do not know why things happen as they do, but I do know that life has meaning. Jenny’s life touched so many and will continue to.

8/8/16

For Jenny Cooper
and Chris

In the mist
of dying
is the living
compressed

A hand to hold
is everything
a witness
to all of it

What is meaning
anyway, but
knowing you will be
missed

One way you leave
other ways you stay
no way to not be
remembered

Your own personal
flavor of immortality
your peace-heart
expanding out to the sky

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 2016

 

8/25/16

For Jenny—One of Our Virtual Choir Family

What did you think
the end would look like?
Not this pain and suffering
more medications not covering
more drugged sleeping.

The bubble you live in
becoming smaller and smaller
time with husband and boys shorter.

Yes, the bucket list accomplished
the daily online posts
that express and convince
connecting still to the outside.
But why is this?
And why you?
A mystery as all of it
unfolds relentlessly.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 2016

 

9/10/16

All the Days Are Numbered

Jenny and Chris Cooper

This is what dying looks like
on the good days
like living but sharper
like living but clearer
like living but deeper
the choices and chances more limited now

What is important cuts through the clutter
to take a pain-free breath
to savor a juicy peach
to hear your child’s laugh
to look in the eyes of, talk with,
hold the hand of your beloved

This is what the end looks like up close
at the edge of the unknown
all the love you have gathered to you
all the love you sent back out
This…noticing. This profound…awareness
of the part the path you walk alone…
and never alone, entirely still.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 2016

Please share this post if it might help anyone.

Do Not Let Your Heart Close

10/17/16

After New Yorker Podcast

Do not let your heart close
no matter
no matter
I know what is inside and out
the dark desperation you may

never speak of…
yet there it is
no matter
no matter

The shadow that follows
the shadow released into the world
and no one knows what will happen
no matter
no matter

Do not let your heart close in fear
or protection (if you can)
without at least a sliver open
How else can the light get in
how will your light—
yes, even you…and you…
how will your light
activate a germinating seed
becoming a green shoot…a tender bud
a fully realized blossom?

You may despair for a moment
but do not live there.
Why did you choose
to come here and come now?

You don’t remember,
but I do.
Everywhere around you
is something beautiful
some kindness. Be generous.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 2016

Written a few weeks ago in the midst of that craziness. With some Leonard Cohen influence and so it seemed appropriate for today, to honor his passing.

November 11, 2016, Backyard Sky and Trees, (c) MDMikus

November 8, 2016, Backyard Sky and Trees, Copyright MDMikus

Poem: Election Day This Tuesday

11/6/16

Election Day This Tuesday

two days before

The limits have been tested
and found to be limitless
of what would be believed
despite the factual evidence
when despair and desperation sets in
and along comes a slippery cynical con man.
What is belief but trusting
without seeing the water to wine
drinking the Kool-Aid when told it is time.
Hypnosis on a mass scale
without the ability to read or reason
the ground becomes sky
and the sky is falling.
And here we are with our roles to play
in the greater drama unfolding
without assurances or certainty of safety
will we —as a country—
be on the wrong side of history?
What has been set in motion is no less
than revealing the deepest shadows
lancing the boil that was always there
but ignored. Loosening the noose
that might have eventually strangled
healing the chasm between “us” and “them”
and re-building…stronger together.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 2016

Reading this poem now, it seems prescient. But at the time, it looked like Hillary Clinton was going to be the next president of the United States. I was trying to express some of the craziness and turmoil that seemed to be all around.

For those of us who had hoped for an inclusive, historic, and continuing progressive path for our country, there is a time for grieving and that will be ongoing for a while. There is also a time to do what we can. “Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” (Arthur Ashe) This is that time. I am a poet. I am a healer. This recent poem is what I can offer right now as support. Perhaps it speaks to you or for you. Perhaps it offers some clarity or calmness or perspective. The work is never over. Who are you in relation to all this? Who are you becoming by your choices? As opera singer (teacher and humanitarian), Joyce Didonato, is asking: “In the midst of chaos, how do you find peace?” Please share.

November Walk, MDMikus Copyright 2016

November Walk, MDMikus Copyright 2016

Coping in These Crazy Times: A New Poem

Life Lesson

Night Ladder, Albuquerque, NM. Copyright 2012 by MD Mikus.

I suspect you are like me, at least a little bit, and perhaps you have some anxiety about what is going on in the world, in our country (USA) right now, and where things seem to be headed. I try to remember that transitions are always messy—both personal and cultural. And right now a lot of truth is being revealed. All this is essential for healing, and ultimately for positive change. But I am risk averse, I struggle with change, even of the potentially positive kind. Stress levels have risen and the election is still not over. For weeks I have been sick with a respiratory virus that went into lingering bronchitis. Nothing to be done, but stay the course. Every day I try to do something productive. Yesterday I took my blood pressure and it was elevated and I realized there were a number of possible causes. And this poem popped out. Perhaps it will help you as it helped me.

10/18/16

Rising Blood Pressure
as an Indicator

Our collective blood pressure
has risen as we simmer
in a toxic stew
as we see or hear even
without wanting or meaning to
of the worst in us without
regard to all the rest until
it seems beauty and generosity
has been banished
But no
do not fall into that trap
of believing how it seems
is how it is
Stop
Step back
Breathe
OK, one more breath
Remember
one good thing
that happened today
or happened to you once
when your heart expanded
for a moment or
you were deep-down warmed
Hold this thought
as antidote
a touchstone to go to when
you almost tumble down that cliff
when you almost lose yourself.

Margaret Dubay Mikus
© 2016

Thank you to Kip and Crystal for listening to this poem and encouraging me to get it out there. What good is it sitting in my files?